10/24/10--Is it OK...?

Today's run: 5 miles (49:24)

Week to date: 5 miles

Month to date: 35 miles

So... yeah.

I didn't run at all last week. Not one single mile, not one single day. And, I am not proud of myself at all, because this week was a lot of pouting, eating bad things or not eating at all. Instead of dealing with my problems like a mature, healthy, active adult, I went back to being a petulant teenager/college student with all of the nasty behavior (and spontaneous crying jags to boot).

And you know what? I'm owning this. I can't pretend this didn't happen, and jump back in to my routine here of making the best meal choices I can think of and trying to hit mileage goals like I didn't revert back to my old self for a week.

Source.

I'm owning it, but I'm moving forward.

Or, so I wanted to, anyway.

I set out on a 5 mile run this morning, after this exchange went on in my head for a good half hour:

The Slacker: Uuuuhnnggnnhhh, it's so cold and damp and dreary outside. I don't want to run.

The Inner-Coach-Mom: So? Go run.

tS: Uuhhmmnngghhgghhh, but my pjs are so comfy... can'tI just go longer tomorrow?

tICM: You said that yesterday. Go run.

tS: Uunnnhhhggghhhnnhhggghhhh, but what if I get shot by someone out hunting?

tICM: WHAT? You're just making stuff up now. Wear bright colors and GO RUN!

tS: Uhhhhnnnnngghhguuhgggnnnhhggnhhhh, FINE.

(If anyone reading is unfamiliar with how it works, when you're running in an area that there may be people hunting (which in the UP is pretty much anywhere...), you're supposed to wear blaze orange, or at the very least something bright colored that screams, "Hey, I'm not an animal, don't shoot me!)

At least it gives me a reason to wear this shirt:

Oh, the things we do for love...

So, I finally got out the door, and I decided something: Let's see how fast I can do this! I did 8 miles the other day in 1:17 and change.... let's see if I can do a 5 miler in 45! I mean, I'm not talking a blistering pace here, I'm talking barely sub-9's.

Yeah. That SO didn't happen. I felt like I was running through Jell-O out there, and I came back in a blistering 49:24. So, instead of running barely-sub-9's, I ran just-barely-sub-10's. I ran slower than I ran last week on the 8 miler. I ran slower than I ran a freaking 13.1 miler!

I'm going to view it as punishment for my behavior last week. I am better than this, and your body can't do the absurd things you ask of it on a Sunday morning if you haven't done anything to help it along for the previous week.

I sit in the box and I feel shame.

OK. Time to play lunch delivery service for the Boyfriend--he's alone at work today and can't leave to get food. Have a great day!

9/17/10--The next day...

Today's run: 2 miles

Week to date: 10 miles

Month to date: 30.1 miles

Well, I'm breaking the broken record loop today, because it is not another bright, sunny, and shiny morning. It kind of looks like this outside:

Except, this is Iceland. I don't live in Iceland, but this is how it looks in South Range this morning.

Today's run was just a little 2 miler. I needed to just get out and get my legs moving and my heart pumping after taking 3 days off in a row. Yeah, I know--3 days? To be fair, one (Tuesday) was because my knee was super sore, another (Wednesday) was because the time I set aside to run got absorbed by the never-ending painting project. It's the third one that I'm really not proud of, but at the same time I need to address.

I like to think that I have come a long, long way in terms of my overall health and lifestyle. I really strive to live a healthy, balanced life, and I'm working on making slow and steady progress in achieving personal goals within that healthier lifestyle. However, there are moments when the demons come back to play, and as hard as I may try I can't help but play with them.

Wednesday night, I had kind of a personal breakdown. I acknowledged a problem, and while I came up with a number of potential solutions, I wouldn't let myself get past the point where I was just stewing on that problem. I barely slept that night between the stressing and the stewing, and when I did sleep I was rocked by nightmares that woke me up gasping and terrified. So, to alleviate and cope with my stress the next morning, I opted for the old standby of how I dealt with negative emotions: I didn't eat. All day. I didn't even have water or coffee in the morning, because I knew once I let something in to my system, the floodgates would open. Did it make me feel better? In a strange way, yes. It brought back the old sense of control, and how while I can't control a lot of things in my life, I can control what does and doesn't go in my body, and opting to not let anything pass in to it always feels to me strangely and sadly empowering. If I didn't have Brandon as a roommate, I probably would have gone the entirety of yesterday without consuming anything. Once he got home and he figured out that I had gone without eating the whole day, he very patiently guided me in to having some dinner, and that's when the rational part of me started to return. Not eating all day is right up there with drinking myself stupid--it may make me feel better in the moment, but in the end it really is doing far more harm than good, and I can't go back to leaning on that kind of thing for support. I have come so far in pursuit of being healthy and finding better coping mechanisms for stress, and I won't and cannot let myself go back.

So, how did this tie in to running? Well, I knew that if I wanted to run, I would have to eat something or at the very least drink something. Even with a warped mindset like I was in, I knew going out to run on my own through the woods in that kind of scenario was dangerous, and I wasn't about to do that. So, that is why I did not run yesterday.

So, I am now going to make myself a giant cup of coffee and something for breakfast. Today is another second chance, and I'm going to be OK.