Wednesday, April 7, 2010

More rambling: on insecurities and hunger

I want to go back to Saturday. Yeah, it's Wednesday, but I want to go back and talk about Saturday.

Well, kind of. I'll start by saying that, despite four years and eight seasons of running on a team, I am very much a solo exerciser. Why? Insecurity. Straight up. I'm still the self-conscious teenage girl inside, a little afraid of the strange noises I make pushing up a hill, afraid of how strange I may look trying to hit the yoga pose, afraid of how it looks when I modify a strength exercise so I can complete it at this point in my fitness. I just want to do it, I don't want someone there to call me out on these things, because I will shut down. Completely.
So, Saturday, I got brave. Sort of. I let the boyfriend, Brandon, in on this. I ran with him. I showed him WiiFit and did all the awkward yoga posing. Hell, I even did the body test right there in front of him and weighed in. Did I make some strange noises running up the last hill after trying to keep up with him? You bet I did. Did I look like a complete wreck when we finished? Oh yes. Did he laugh at me a bit when I tried the Tree pose? Probably, I was more like "hurricane force winds tree" with how much I was wobbling around. Does he think less of me because I weighed in at 128* instead of 118? Not that he let on.
*this was after dinner, and I was wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. I'm actually closer to 125 as per the other weigh ins before and since then.
Moreover: did it kill me? No.
But, despite all this, I still jumped off the Wii like it was on fire the second my roommate got home today. (OK, not really, but I cut my workout short). So, did I learn anything from my experience Saturday? I don't know, but that instinct thought of "Oh no, she's gonna see me, get off get off get off!" hit so quickly I just jumped as soon as the activity I was doing ended and put the board away. I need to get past that.

Moving on. Hunger. OK. So, in my last entry I talked about how I was working on eating healthier. And I am. However, I have noticed that I am SIGNIFICANTLY more hungry, especially in the last week or so. Increased activity level? Probably. And I'm not openly trying to deny myself or anything. I'm still eating what looks like a big meal to me, it's just a big meal of veggies and protein instead of simple carbs and fatty foods. Then, I'll finish that big meal and STILL be hungry. "OK," I think, "maybe I just need to wait it out, maybe it just hasn't hit yet that I'm actually full." Nope, 20 minutes later my stomach is still rumbling. Drink some water? Nope. I'm never satisfied. I've done a passable job, I think, of trying to avoid the over-snacking to fill up (a rather large bowl of Cinnamon Life Monday night when I could not take it anymore not withstanding), but I'm starting to get super annoyed. Why am I THIS hungry? Argh.

OK, I'm done.

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